Dearest parents,
I hope you had a lovely Christmas. It can be an exciting, joyful time of the year – but in reality, many families experience it as being stressful, overwhelming and often disappointing. This is because SO MUCH happens at year end, and the expectations are SO HIGH - when at the same time many children and parents feel already exhausted before the holidays and festivities even start. It is important to remember, that children aren’t inherently naughty; they’re rather overwhelmed and not coping in those moments. So, when they’re already low on energy, adding a hole heap of (more or less enjoyable) activities to their schedule, plus setting high expectations of how well behaved they’ll have to be at those, is a sure-fire recipe for tantrums, fights, resistance and tears or withdrawal. And that is the OPPOSITE of what everyone was hoping for.
This year seems to be a year where this is even more the case than before. Maybe this is due to the increasingly crazy world around us, with war, disease and natural disasters constantly on the news. Maybe it is because many of us began 2022 with their cup half empty to start with, because the previous year of pandemic and bad news was really a lot to bear already.
How do we get out of this vicious cycle?
5 tips on how you can make these holidays and the start into 2023 truly enjoyable (all while becoming a better parent):
1. Reduce the level of activity
For many parents, the holidays are the moment where we can catch up on all the things we didn’t get to do during the year, see relatives and friends, travel with the family, etc. That’s exciting! For children, however, not all of these activities or people are as exciting. Even leaving their known environment causes stress, especially if they’re young or already tired from a year of school or kindy, and when what they really want to do is nothing for a few days. Give them plenty of time to just be a kid, not do much at all, spend all day in their PJs.
If you travel, set the pace slower than you usually would, and let them settle in at the new
place first (let them find “their space”), before you set off on a tour or exploring the area.
Even being bored from time to time plays a useful part in children’s development. If we can support their “being bored” without judgement or quick fix from our end, it can bring out their own resourcefulness and creativity.
2. Get some rest – including yourself!
When we’re tired, nothing but rest will recharge our batteries. During the holidays, try to go
to bed early at least two or three nights a week. When we’re full of energy, we are much
more creative, fun, flexible and pleasant to be with for our family. Our sense of humour
returns, and we’re a lot less reactive.
For children, this is even more fundamental. If their batteries run flat, they start struggling
with the smallest things. They quickly lose confidence, become frustrated, angry, aggressive, sad or withdrawn. They NEED enough downtime and rest to grow, to be themselves, to learn and to cope with all the new things they experience every day, and to build resilience. So, they hugely benefit from getting enough sleep, and so do their parents.
Spending some relaxed time in nature, alone or with the family, is another wonderful way to de-stress, re-balance and re-calibrate our senses.
3. Be kind to yourself on your parenting journey
If we look back on this year, there will be parenting moments that we’re not proud of, for which we wish we had acted or reacted in a different way. This is totally normal, and part of our parenting journey. Feeling guilty or ashamed, however, will not help you with improving your parenting. Quite the contrary: A bad conscience can create a toxic emotional undercurrent in your communication, that is clearly felt by and confusing for children. Instead, take a moment to feel into those moments. Try to fully understand the consequences of your behaviour, apologise (in words or thoughts) to those who suffered them. Understand what led to your (re)action and how you could act differently in the future. Then forgive yourself, accept that we all make mistakes on our way, we’re ALL learning! Then you’re ready to turn the page. Let it go, fully. Look ahead and decide how you can and will do this better in future.
4. Lower the bar of expectations for things that are less important
Focus on your values and true priorities. What is important to you during these holidays and for the new year? Think about things like patience, love, kindness, peace, harmony, trust, joy, connection, ... I surely am all for setting and maintaining high standards in life (must be the German in me), but are there any areas where you could relax your principles a little and thereby increase joy and peace in the family? Like how important is it that the children are well dressed on this day? That their hair is tidy? That they sit at the table with Aunty Hedwig listening to adult conversations for the entire time of a meal including dessert and coffee? Note: This is not about reducing your leadership in any way, especially when something is important to you - instead it is reducing unnecessary stress factors based on your family’s individual values.
5. Bring mindfulness into your daily parenting
We can only change or improve the things we’re aware of. Becoming more conscious of our thoughts, responses, patterns and their triggers, feelings, and “warning signs” in our mind and body is at the basis of becoming better parents (or people, really). There are hundreds of easy, achievable mindfulness exercises to help us do this. Personally, I enjoy a short moment of feeling the different parts of my body consciously (without moving) before I get out of bed in the morning or before I go to sleep to start and end the day in a mindful way. Or washing my hands or taking a shower using all my senses (using the brain and thinking of my to do list in those moments is not a sense!). Or try sitting, walking or playing with your child and truly listen to them, with all your curiosity and love, without adding anything, just feeling the connection. There are many more that I can think of.
Once you regularly practice being fully aware in peaceful moments, you can increase your being present to more challenging situations. This is the basis for being able to change an undesired and regretful auto-response to a trigger your child is sending your way to a mindful one. Children are extremely sensitive to your being truly present, and it’s wonderful to see them respond to that.
I hope some of these tips prove valuable to you these holidays and will help you to head into the new year with replenished energy reserves. If I can help you in any way along that path, I would love that.
I’m always keen to hear from you! Please contact me with any questions or feedback.
Till next time, have a very happy new year, filled with wonderful family moments, joy, laughter and connection.
Much love Anke 0406 783 873
Комментарии