Dearest parents,
One challenge many parents tell me about is that their kids or teens frequently get into arguments or fights. Some of this is totally normal and an important part of growing up. A bit like young tiger cubs play-fighting in order to learn or improve important hunting and self-defence skills.
For children, it’s about learning about their own and other people’s mental, emotional and physical boundaries. Sometimes, however, the squabbling becomes a bit too serious, too violent or simply too frequent. This can be very stressful for children and parents alike .
Playing the police doesn’t work. Ignoring doesn’t work. What works?
At the sound of kids starting to shout or scream at each other most parents naturally come running like the police. They might call out “What’s going on?”, possibly followed by a physical separation of the fighting kids. Sometimes a lecture about “sharing is caring” follows, or threatening consequences or something similar. I used to do exactly that when my boys were younger. The issue with this approach is that:
the intervention comes too late: we only react when the argument has escalated already;
our strong energy further escalates the conflict. This makes the kids feel like they’re doing something wrong or are “guilty” in some way. That in turn only causes resistance rather than an opportunity for learning empathy and how to find solutions together.
Some parents do the opposite and try to ignore the conflict, thinking “they’ll work it out themselves” or “I really don’t have time for this now” or “boys will be boys”. This is fine for the odd little bicker, but not if these become more frequent or regularly turn into bigger fights.
Most parents naturally follow a combination of the two: First they try to ignore the developing argument, hoping for the best – until it becomes too loud or too violent. Then they intervene FBI-style.
What you can try instead... 6 steps to peaceful conflict resolution: (note: not for situations where someone is about to get hurt or something is getting damaged)[1]
At the first sounds of an argument arising between your children, stop what you’re doing and listen carefully from wherever you are. Keep listening and gauge whether the conflict is going to resolve itself peacefully or whether it’s developing into a fight. If you can feel the tension rising between the kids (and possibly in yourself), try the following:
Take a deep breath into your lower tummy. Breathe out for longer than you inhaled. This reduces any annoyance or stress that might be building up in you.
Stroll (not run) to where the children are, feeling your feet on the ground along the way. This will keep you calm when you get there.
Politely knock when you get there and ask, “Can I help you?” once, then say nothing. Your children will most probably be very surprised by your unusual intervention. Mine definitely were when I first managed to do this (their argument actually ended there and then)!
Imagine you’re a huge rock in the wild surf. Your conscious effort of holding back and remaining cool and grounded will have a calming effect on the kids. Contain yourself from talking too much. Instead, ask them to explain the situation, one after the other.
Show empathy and truly try to understand where they’re coming from. Remind yourself that children aren’t “naughty” just for the sake of it. They’re usually either not coping or aren’t mature or experienced enough to handle the situation in a better way. Their brains simply haven’t developed the required executive functions (like self-control for example) yet.
Once you understand what's going on, hold back on proposing solutions. Instead, encourage them to imagine how the situation feels for their sibling and what each (including you) could do to resolve it together. You might be surprised at their creative and unconventional solutions. This learning moment is HUGE for their future ability to resolve conflicts independently.
When I started applying this, it felt a bit weird, almost artificial at first. It simply wasn’t my natural reaction - I used to come running in like the armed forces, all guns blazing!
However, this peaceful yet powerful approach is SO MUCH FASTER, SO MUCH EASIER (once you manage to stop and change your auto-reaction) and SO MUCH MORE GRACEFUL than everything else I’ve tried.
The best part: in the end, everyone feels good about themselves. The children feel seen and heard. They’ve managed to resolve the conflict peacefully, which makes them more confident and more competent in handling future conflicts. You’ve been an amazing role model. You’ve shown understanding and learned something about them. And you can get back to whatever you were doing feeling calm and happy, rather than angry or guilty for having told them off or shouting. And much quicker. I call this holistic success.
For this approach to work it’s really helpful to practice self-observation, i.e. recognising and then stopping your automatic reaction and replacing it with a better one. You can increase your self-awareness by doing mindfulness exercises and meditation for example. It’ll help you remain cool and hold your horses when things escalate at home. And that helps not only yourself, but everyone around you! Especially your kids!
Search for “mindfulness exercises” on Google or YouTube for some inspiration. One of my favourites is a 3-minute body scan before I get up in the morning. There are also some great apps to keep you motivated.
And of course, feel free to give me a call if you're unsure or something isn't working yet - I’m always happy to help.
I hope this article is useful on your way to more awareness and harmony in your family. Please contact me with any feedback or questions, I’d love to hear from you!
Till next time!
Much love,
Anke x
PS: None of my blog posts contain any content created by AI (Artificial Intelligence). I write them myself entirely, based on my own research and/or experience.
[1] In this case it’s important to prevent or stop potential injury or damage from happening first – in the calmest way possible.
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