How half a pistachio can put an end to a family day at the beach – and what we can learn from it

I remember one Friday afternoon in summer we went to the beach straight after school. Some other families from school came along, too. It was a perfect day: The sun was shining but it wasn’t too hot, the turquoise water broke in small, child-friendly waves onto the white sand, a very light breeze blew over from the dunes to keep us comfortable… it was beautiful. The children, keen to stretch their legs and move freely after a long school day, ran around, chased each other, splashed into the water or dug in the sand. They had a fabulous time, and so did we, the parents. We could relax and chat while watching over the younger kids and enjoying this wonderful scene. The children ran back and forth to “check in” with us or to drink some water or grab some snacks. Such joy!

Suddenly a little girl belonging to a family sitting close by started to shout at her dad and then to cry heartbreakingly. She was about 4 years old. What had happened? It turned out her dad had given half of her last pistachio to her older brother, without asking her. Now there were no pistachios left, and she felt disappointed, sad and passed over. Her dad was surprised (and slightly embarrassed) about how she could possibly cause such drama about such a tiny thing. So he started to play it down and to justify his action, saying things like "Come on, it was only half a pistachio!" and “It’s important that you learn to share with your brother.” With this, her feeling of being ignored and not taken seriously turned into outrage. She started screaming at him, making people look their way to see whether they’re OK. Her parents still find her reaction exaggerated and quite unacceptable but are now also feeling increasingly embarrassed. All their very human attempts - from shushing to threats like “if you don’t stop, we’ll go home NOW” to making her aware that “everybody is looking at you” - didn’t help. They finally packed up and left the beach, making her feel guilty and wrong on top of the emotional turmoil she was going through. And nothing was resolved, the bad mood would have hung over them for at least a while. All that because of a little half pistachio!!! But of course, it has nothing to do with the object as such, or its size.

How could her dad have responded differently? Giving half of her last pistachio to her begging brother was well meant, but of course it lacked respect (or at least care) as he should have asked her for permission first – just as you would with an adult. When he realised that his action had caused such grief to her, instead of acting like a little child himself (justifying his actions and making her wrong), he could have taken a deep breath, and despite the seemingly trifle nature of the matter expressed some empathy and apologised to her. Like he most probably would have done if he had caused a similar reaction with another adult. He could have admitted that he hadn’t realised how fond she was of her pistachios. How he had underestimated this and made a mistake by sharing the last one with her brother. Then he could have told her how he had sincerely meant well because he feels that sharing between siblings is important, but of course that he should have asked her first. I am certain that she would have calmed down right away, because that’s the natural reaction of a child that feels understood. And then, they could have found a solution for their next step together, acknowledging the fact that an eaten pistachio can’t be brought back – but now no one feels guilty anymore, and everybody has learned something (dad included!) and the matter is resolved. And they could have continued to enjoy this beautiful afternoon at the beach.

So, it is about showing empathy (to yourself and your child) when things don’t go to plan. It is acting like a grown up would towards another adult you trust and respect. It is leading by example, because that’s how children learn from us: Asking, before we take something. Showing our feelings. Admitting a mistake we make and taking responsibility for it. Solving issues respectfully and not by forcing others into submission.

I call this authentic parenting.

If you have any feedback, suggestions or would like to share your experiences, I'd love to hear from you!