We spent a family weekend with friends at a holiday house near the beach. The five children were running around a little lagoon, and were taking turns with the 3 kayaks available, while we adults enjoyed the sunshine, talked and watched them play.
My friend called her daughter over to put a hat and more sunscreen on her. The girl was around 5 at that time. She briefly looked in our direction, but didn’t come. She had way too much fun playing with her friends. From her perspective, an awaiting hat and sunscreen application were rather unattractive. Her mum called her again - and was ignored. She is quite a patient person so she waited a little bit, then called her again with a slightly firmer voice but without obvious frustration. Nothing happened. Then she pulled out a “trick” that would have never occurred to me: She called: “Lizzie, I have chocolate for you!”, waving something in the air. The girl listened up and came running. Her mum didn’t have any chocolate for her. Her daughter looked at her in disbelief, and mum said: “Well, I asked you to come several times and you wouldn’t, so I had to find a way to make you listen”. She then grabbed her arm and calmly put the sunscreen and a hat on a very disappointed, sour faced little girl…
Whilst this is quite an obvious lie and maybe a bit unusual, many of us have used “little emergency lies” to get our children to do what we want, or to behave in certain situations - like when we didn’t want to lose our face in public or in order to avoid any drama. However, in my view, this type of short cut might work in our favour in the short term, but in the long run it teaches our children that it is OK to lie in order to get what you want or to get someone to do what you want. Problem is: Children learn most of their values and long-term behaviour from what they observe in their parents and people close to them, rather than what they’re told and taught (even if fear of punishment might avoid them acting it out for a while). So, if we teach our children that telling the truth is important, and a value that our family embraces, we can’t be dishonest with them. Of course, there might be situations where the full truth isn’t appropriate for our children to hear because it might be traumatising or the like, but I’m referring to cheap little lies that manipulate them into behaving here, like the one described above.
The other effect is of course, that the trust our children place in us, gets a hit with each such lie. We want our children to trust us and to feel safe to tell us things that bother or concern them, so we can support them. This is also crucial for later on to help them navigate their teenage years successfully.
Maybe we also teach them that being reliable is an important character trait to be successful in life, both personally and professionally. And that respect and dignity are fundamental values in our family life. Now if they trust us in a situation and it turns out they fell for a lie or a trick, even a little one, we start to erode that precious trust, and we show them that they can’t necessarily always believe us, or rely on us to treat them with respect. We know what this feels like if someone has ever “used” us to get what they wanted while we believed in their good intentions.
From my perspective, and I know I wrote this in a previous article, there are no trifles in life, no “little lies” and no “insignificant betrayals”. Everything we do has an effect; we reap what we sow - and we know this from our own life experience.
So, at the risk of repeating myself: Let’s be a great, consistent role model for our children, and do what’s right instead of what’s easy! That is authentic leadership, and it requires (but also builds) strength of character.
In a society so accepting of dishonesty, so lacking of values and so focussed on short term gain, does what I say sound unrealistic? Idealistic? It might, but I know that walking your talk for your children works. I have seen it so many times, and I have also experienced the immediate and amazingly positive effect myself, with my own family. It’s SO rewarding!
Until next time, take courage, be kind to yourself, walk your talk and enjoy the journey…
Anke
What’s your opinion and your own experience? Do you have any questions? I’d love to hear from you!
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