I’m sure we’ve all seen it: A group of adults sitting at a table in a café or restaurant and they’re all staring at their screens, communicating with someone else, somewhere else - instead of engaging with the people that are with them right there and right now. I’m not judging this phenomenon as right or wrong, and as long as they’re all happy with this, why not?!
What I observed one weekend at the farmers markets, was a bit different though: A mother and her daughter (about 8 years old) sit at a table together. They had just picked up a plate of banana and chocolate pancakes from a food stall after a long wait. The people working in this popular food truck were hopelessly overloaded. After we finally got our own poffertjes (dutch pancakes) with strawberries and whipped cream, my son and I asked and sat down at the other end of the same table, as no other seats were available. My little one and I were really looking forward to sharing this plate of warm, delicious pancakes. It was a real treat after our grocery shopping on a crisp winter morning.
I look over to them and see the mother glued to her mobile phone, texting or just scrolling through stuff. The little girl sits and eats, very slowly. Mum seems frustrated. Without looking up she asks her child to eat a bit faster saying "come on, eat your pancakes" impatiently. Given what the girl has on the plate in front of her, I’m surprised to see her eating very slowly and without much enjoyment. In the meantime, my son is humming with excitement and pleasure about our plate of pancakes and eagerly digs into them. After a while I hear the girl saying "Mum, I'm a bit bored". Mum looks up with a slightly irritated face and just repeats: "Well, you've just got to eat your food!". The girl struggles cutting it with the flimsy single use cutlery, so mum grabs the cutlery off her, cuts the food into pieces and moves the plate back to her child, with one big piece of pancake sitting precariously close to the edge of the plate. Back to the phone she goes. Not long after, the girl’s elbow comes too close and that large piece of pancake falls to the ground. Mum looks up from her phone, glances at her daughter reproachfully and says something like: "Well, great. What did I tell you?" And on she goes about how her daughter should've just eaten and been more careful and that she'll have to pick this piece up now and take it to the bin etc. etc. The poor girl drops her shoulders and apologises. By that time, we had finished our poffertjes, gathered up our things and got ready to say goodbye and leave.
I felt sorry for the child: Who was not taking care in this scenario? Might it not even have been the mum who indirectly caused the little accident to happen by a) putting pressure on her child to eat faster and b) cutting the food so carelessly? And why let her daughter lose face in public for something so insignificant?
Of course, I was missing the context of what had happened before we sat down, what reasons this lady had for being in the mood she was in, and for not engaging with her child. Maybe it had to do with the long wait for the pancakes her daughter so urgently wanted, or maybe it was something totally unrelated. Either way, instead of enjoying what could have been a beautiful one-on-one moment for mother and daughter together, with some delicious food on a splendid winter weekend morning, it was a miserable and sad scene. Instead of enjoying some special time with her mum, feeling loved, connected and spoiled with a treat, the girl must have felt inadequate and irrelevant the whole time - and after the little accident embarrassed and clumsy on top of that. She might also have learned that the virtual world and people behind a screen were more important to her mum than herself in that moment, and that this seems to be acceptable in the adult world - which is not a role model I would recommend. And then they would have taken all of this unpleasant, disconnected, hollow energy with them and into their next activity, whatever it was.
I know I’ve done similar things, plenty of times. I’m not judging the mother at all. The important insight is rather that even if she WAS in a hurry or not interested or whatever, her disconnectedness and pushiness didn't get her anywhere faster – only further and further away from joy and life and her lovely daughter.
What could she have done instead?
If we realise the wait at the pancake stand is too long for us that day, for example, we can take a decision: Either accept standing there waiting and be happy (this is the main point! Accepting begrudgingly is not accepting!), or abandon the idea. The latter is not attractive to our child, of course, but if we talk with them like we would with another adult, I’m sure their initial disappointment could be managed or made up for with something that better suits our plans for the weekend. Or we could work out a compromise, like get the pancake but eat it at home, for example. It’s a learning opportunity for everyone to become aware of and clearly state their needs, as well as respect the needs of others. Saying yes or doing something even though we don’t want to, in order to avoid disappointment or a tantrum in the short term for example, is the start for worse to unfold later on.
If we agree with our child to do something that we don’t really want to do, we then often unconsciously reproach it to them, and make them responsible for our bad mood/ misery/ perceived waste of time/ boredom/ whatever. But it’s not the child’s fault. The cause is our weak decision. The key is to become more aware of what we feel and need, and to translate that to either a YES or a NO in our head, and based on that come to a clear decision or a suitable compromise, means that everybody retains their dignity, joy and independence. It’s very empowering.
Do you have moments of regretful Yes’es when it should be a No because it seems too hard? What are your experiences?
I’d love for you to get in touch with me to share your feedback and comments.
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Till next time!
Much love
Anke
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