I took my boys to a birthday party at the park. I’m standing there chatting with another mum whom I have just met for the first time. Her boy (8) comes and asks her to hold his plastic cup while he gets a hot dog, because he's worried his cup might get mixed up with others (they all look the same). She says "No, place it somewhere where you'll remember, I don't want to hold it." Her child says: "But it might get mixed up, it's only for a short time." Mum responds: "I said No! You're a big boy, go place it next to the gas bottle there, you'll easily find it there, it'll be fine." The child repeats his concern and starts getting teary. Mum's voice is very strict now: "I said No! Don't be silly, otherwise we'll go home right now!" The poor kid didn't stand a chance. With a hanging head and slouching shoulders, he puts the cup on the table and gets his hot dog. He feels crushed. All his joy is gone. Mum turns towards me and says in an excusing way "He's really tired today...".
Well, is he? Didn’t he kindly ask her a little favour? Isn’t it maybe rather her who is tired, tense and irritable? She responded without any empathy or respect for his concern. She actually didn’t listen at all, instead she made him feel wrong, “silly” and destroyed all the fun he had at the party before with one blow with her overreaction (threatening to leave the party). Would she talk to another adult like this? Unlikely. But I don’t blame her at all. It’s just a typical example how we sometimes react when we feel annoyed, interrupted or embarrassed in front of someone else due to potentially completely unrelated things that have happened or are happening in our lives. And then, if we’re not mindful, old patterns (or the type of responses that our parents gave to us) come out automatically - like wild dragons - and we start spitting flames and toxic smoke!
I did this all the time, maybe in a subtler way than this obvious example (although only obvious from the outside, the mother couldn’t see it). It still had a huge effect on our kids and my entire family. In order to change it, I first had to become (or be made) aware that I’m even doing it! A most unpleasant insight.
I realised: If I can become aware enough to stop and make a brief pause before words come out or automatic responses happen, a better alternative usually presents itself (or I wait until it does). In that pause I tell myself: I trust that there is always a solution. And lo and behold, there is!
The tricky bit for me is not getting hijacked by the situation and instead becoming aware and making the pause in the first place. I’ll talk about this more in my next blogs.
Do you have a practice that helps you come into balance and build awareness in those moments? I’d love to hear about it.
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