Dearest parents,
During the school holidays, a friend and I took our kids to Perth Zoo. We hadn’t been for a long time, and the children hadn’t seen each other for a while, so there was a lot to chat about and explore together. It was a sunny Friday in early spring, and the zoo was very busy with visitors, kids running everywhere.
After checking out the exhibits and parklands for hours and looking at plenty of animals, the children wanted to end the visit at the playground. My friend and I enjoyed a cup of coffee at the zoo café right next to it. When the kids came back for water and some snacks, they told us about two instances of observing some “horrible mums”... Being mums ourselves, we were intrigued! It turns out they really weren’t shining examples of brilliant parenting… but they also show our humanness and how sometimes we get stressed out by our children’s behaviour and can’t deal with the situation in a helpful, mature manner. I’ll explain why shortly.
The children’s first observation took place in the reptile house. A little boy was tugging on his mum’s shirt, complaining loudly that he wanted to look at something else, and that he HATED snakes. He looked really uncomfortable. Mum, pushing a pram with a younger sibling and clearly embarrassed by his noisy behaviour in a quiet public space, snarled at him: “If you don’t stop whinging instantly, I’ll put you into the enclosure with this dugite!” pointing at the venomous brown snake behind the glass. Of course, that threat made him stop instantly. Wide-eyed, he looked like he was wondering whether his mum would really do such a thing…
Their second observation was at the playground, where a girl was too scared to get off a (very low) climbing frame and screamed across the entire playground for her mum to help her. Mum came, visibly irritated at her girl’s loud calling, and hissed: “Seriously? Don’t be such a cry-baby! Look at your sister; she got out of this without any problems or help, and she’s younger!” The girl sobbed, while her mum lifted her down. Off she went with her mother, shoulders slumped. Our kids felt very sorry.
Instead of showing empathy, understanding, and warmth towards our child in a moment of need (in these cases, fear), we can be harsh, intimidating, or controlling. This, in turn, will add another layer of negative feelings to our child’s initial fear: feeling inadequate, ashamed, powerless, even more scared and/or frustrated. If given time to reflect, most parents feel bad (or at least unsatisfied) about the incident afterwards. Everyone loses!
How come these mums reacted in this way? Don’t they love their kids? Of course, they do! And they’re likely wonderful mums at other times. The problem is that if our child does something we perceive as stressful (“misbehaving,” drama, tantrums… especially in a public space and/or in front of other parents!), we subconsciously feel powerless or like a failure ourselves in that moment. This anger or embarrassment triggers the fight-or-flight response in our reptilian brain, which quickly leads to a very fast and “automatic” reaction – which unfortunately is based on how our parents or carers responded to us when we did something “naughty.”
Many adults think “My parents were extremely strict, and I still turned out alright,” but this is not true. Physical, verbal (such as threatening, scolding, and shouting at children), and mental cruelty leave their traces in little souls and are proven to lead to higher risks of developing anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor concentration, relationship issues, aggression, etc. - in childhood, adolescence, and all the way into adulthood.
If it’s an automatic trigger, can we even change our response? Yes! That’s the good news. If we can manage to make a short break before reacting, we can choose the right response over the automated reaction.
My 3 parenting tips for you to take away and try:
Train yourself to make a tiny pause before responding. In order to be able to make that pause in the “heat of the moment” and interrupt that automated response, start by doing it in normal (non-stressful) situations. For example, next time your child asks you something trivial, don’t respond immediately but instead take a conscious short break (like one relaxed breath) before responding. It’s simple but not easy! This creates a lot more self-awareness, and with some training, you will be able to choose what’s right over what’s easy/automated.
Take care of your own well-being. If you can lower your own stress levels, you will lower the chances of your reptilian brain getting triggered by your child’s strong emotions.
Ask for support.
Work on your own self-worth, e.g., by being kind to yourself and acknowledging what you do.
Get enough sleep.
Say no to or shorten activities that you think might be overwhelming for you or your children.
Sit down for a quiet cup of tea or coffee or a short moment in the sunshine.
Take three slow, deep breaths into your belly and feel your feet on the ground.
Open the window and let your gaze wander into the distance.
Help your child show and understand its strong feelings. When we don’t understand why our child suddenly explodes into a “tantrum,” we can feel helpless and then get angry ourselves. Out of this emotion, we start telling them off or scolding them (see above). This doesn’t work! Most of the time, children don’t even have the cognitive skills to deal with strong emotions yet. They need you to help them name the feeling, find out what underlying need it’s coming from, understand that all feelings are welcome, and for you to be with them until they can calm down. If your child is so upset that they try to attack you verbally or physically, check out my blog post about setting healthy boundaries with loving clarity.
I hope you found this article helpful. I’d love for you to get in touch with me to share your feedback and comments, or if you’d like some help on the way to becoming the parent you want to be.
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Till next time!
Much love,
Anke x
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