The other day at a children’s play centre, a little boy (around 3 years old) didn’t want to leave, but his mum had to pick up his older sister from school and get there on time. He followed her out of the play area through the child safe gate into the lobby. Standing in front of the closing gate he realised this meant play time was over and started crying. Mum tried to cheer him up by telling him they’d come back soon, explained they had to go because of his sister, etc. He wouldn’t have a bar of it. She then told him, in a firmer voice, that they really had to go now. The more she tried, the more agitated he became. She told him if he didn't come now, it would be his fault if his sister had to wait. The crying turned into screaming. Mum started to look embarrassed, her face turning red (it didn’t help that it was also a very hot day).
The lovely lady at the play centre reception tried to help by offering a sticker to the boy, if he’d follow his mum nicely. He hesitated for a brief moment, then started wailing again. He wasn’t corrupt. She then tried to convince him that she’d be closing the play centre now anyways, and switch off all the lights, because it was time to go (this wasn’t true, the play centre was open for another 2 hours and there was one other girl with her dad still playing inside). Maybe he sensed that he was being duped, because now anger visibly joined in with his sadness and disappointment. He clung to the bars of the gate, that separated him from play paradise.
His mum checked her watch and said “Well, I have to go and pick up your sister now, you’d better come, or I go without you!” and walked out the second gate towards the front door with a determined gait and expression on her face. This made the little boy scream even harder, as the fear of being left alone was added to his other strong emotions, but he still wouldn’t budge.
When she looked back whether he’d follow her, her expression changed to a mix of annoyed and desperate. Of course, she couldn’t leave him there. Of course, she had to come back. Of course, the situation had to escalate and on top of that she would be late for her daughter.
I felt for her. I really know what it feels like (and I’m sure we’ve all been there at one point or another). It’s a losing battle, not only for the child, but for everyone involved.
Interestingly this is not only relevant to young children. I witnessed a very similar situation between a mum and her 12- or 13-year-old son at a medical centre. They came back from the doctors’ rooms to the reception and wait area. While she was sorting out the payment and booking of the next appointment, her son started playing video games on one of the screens that were installed in the waiting room. He was not ready to leave when she had finished, and the scenario followed the same pattern, including her leaving the premises and having to come back, defeated, 5 minutes later.
It goes a bit like this: Mum wants to leave, but her child doesn’t. Mum tries a number of different strategies: ask kindly – ask more firmly – try to distract or bribe (offer a reward) – plead or make feel guilty – demand strictly/ introduce consequences – threaten to leave without child – sometimes actually leave without child & come back shortly after when child doesn’t follow – threaten with/ put in place further consequences or pick up/ grab arm of child and leave.
Why can’t this approach be successful? Even if it works at one occasion, it can’t work in the long run, because it's a power struggle, a fight. Both party’s level of intensity or pressure, frustration (and for parents often embarrassment, if it is taking place in a public space) is increasing at every step, before the child is sort of “forced into submission” (or the parent into resignation). Plus, the further down this process a parent goes, the worse they feel about their parenting at the end of the day. It’s a lose-lose-situation.
What can we do instead? It’s all about connection.
1) Preparation I: Even before the activity starts, explain to your child at what time you’ll both have to leave and why it’s important that you head off on time. Ask them what sort of reminder they’d like from you and how many minutes before departure time. Depending on your child, you might want to suggest adding an earlier reminder.
2) Preparation II: When you get closer to leaving time (but still with plenty of time up your sleeve), remind them that it is soon time to leave, as agreed. From their reaction you’ll probably get an idea of whether it’ll be easy or hard for them to leave. Make the timing of the next step dependent on that.
3) Just before it’s time to go, ask them to come - in an upbeat, but natural and polite way, like you would speak to an adult friend, and as if nothing could be more natural and easy.
4) If they resist: Take a short pause, breathe, feel your feet and then use empathy! A simple acknowledgement like “Is it that you would like to stay longer because you’re having so much fun here?” and a conversation about what the best part of the activity was, makes the child feel heard. You could tell them that you’d love for them to continue, because you like seeing them happy, but that this is not possible today as you’re responsible for their sibling, too (or whatever the reason). Often this is all that is needed to melt any resistance, because you’re still connected, you’re doing this together rather than against each other. It’s much easier to then agree on finding another time you can come back to continue, or for the child to look forward to seeing their sibling etc.
5) Thank them for making it so easy and a real pleasure to be with them, and that this way you can do lots of things in future because you know it will work for everyone. Do you have moments of regretful “me against you”s when it could be “us together”s instead? What are your experiences?
I’d love for you to get in touch with me to share your feedback and comments, or if you’d like some help on the way to becoming the parent you want to be.
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Till next time!
Much love,
Anke
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