Parenting insights: How (not) to communicate with children

I often hear adults speak with children as if these kids were still babies or had a low IQ, when in fact children are often more intelligent and faster thinking than we are, just less experienced. The adults then speak in a higher pitched voice than they would normally, respond in an exaggerated way, or talk using simplified words or grammar. They ask stupid questions they’d never ask another adult (like “oh wow, are you already allowed to have something like this?”), or they ask “educational” questions to test the child’s response or knowledge. Children see through this non-authentic way of communicating. It easily makes them feel belittled, ridiculed, offended, inferior, confused or simply not taken seriously, especially if they’re past toddler stage. They will often try to re-establish their dignity, which can be an expression or response the adult didn’t expect – and didn’t want to hear or see.

And, oh boy, I did all of it! During our training in Denmark, we realised that when I spoke to our youngest son, I automatically used a slightly higher pitched voice – although he was already four years old, so no baby or even toddler anymore. This (in combination with all the other mistakes we made) contributed to making him feel smaller, more dependent, and certainly not taken seriously or at least not as seriously as his older brother.

Another typical thing I did was, I reacted in an exaggerated way like “oh wooooowwww!” when he showed me something or got a little gift from someone. This over-the-top amazement is in some way manipulative, indicating to him that he should be super excited about whatever was offered to him and express that, or over-validating whatever he showed me. Of course I absolutely want to acknowledge these things, but in a more normal, real way.

Also, I frequently overstepped physical boundaries by patting his hair or hugging him or kissing his cheeks without asking him or checking in with him first, just because he was “so cute”. I realised that this was quite disrespectful (unless when he asked for or clearly enjoyed it, of course!). My behaviour didn’t serve him as a good example, either, as he learnt that it’s OK to intrude into somebody else’s personal space – something he then did with his brother, too.

All this contributed to the massive dramas we had back then with our four-year-old. His increased dependence on one hand and his frustration and aggression on the other. The good thing was: once I changed my behaviour, he changed his, too!

So now all I have to ask myself is: “Right now, am I acting like I would with an adult I trust and respect”? This includes my voice, words, mimics, and body language. If the answer is no or not really, and if it’s not because we’re in an authentically playful mood, then I stop! I take a breath and check what is happening. What is a more real and respectful way of communicating?

Ideally, I do this before I address my children of course, but even during a conversation or the moment I feel we’re going off rail it isn’t too late and brings harmony back in. It always works. (Hint: It also works with our partners and other people!)